Mental Elimination - Random Thoughts

I'm at a mental block.

I have a lot of thoughts swirling around in my head, so I figured I'd write. The problem is that the thoughts have no cohesiveness. So this will be random as hell.

I want to create something, but don't know what. I just don't seem to be generating ideas the way I was a month ago. I think a lot of it has to do with the mental demands of my job lately. I like my job and I'm good at what I do. But lately the pressure has been on and it is making me tired. Project work ebbs and flows so this is all part of the process... but this is definitely an ebb time. All my mind wants to do outside of work right now is rest. Just rest. And I need to be okay with that. I'm 41 years old with a family and a job and I'm going to get tired. I gotta be okay with that. Stop looking at what the next woman is doing or can do. I'm not her. I'm me. Work with it.

It would be nice if I could make some commitments on the dietary front. I have so many good intentions, but stress tends to knock me off my game. I've got to do better. Otherwise something far more serious is going to knock me off my game and it will take me a lot longer to recover.

I need a vacation. Not something grand, just a couple of days of nothingness. After this latest project goes into production, I may take 2 days off just to reset. It always does my body and my heart good. Some folks can do that on the weekends. Good for them. I've got a family in the house on the weekends and that is their time. For me weekdays are better. Everyone else is at work or at school. I can take myself to lunch, or to the movies, or just fast and pray and write for the 8 hours of solitude. I believe every person needs to reset now and then. It is good for you. Just as the body needs physical elimination, it needs mental and spiritual elimination as well. As hard as we try, there will be things that worm their way into our lives that need to be cleansed out. Take that time, think of what mountain you need moved and then tell it to move.

Random enough?

I love makeup. I love clothes and shoes and all things fashion. Not love in an unnatural or coveting way. But I like image. My daddy taught me that. He was amazing that way. He carried himself with such a swagger but it was combined with a humble and friendly spirit. He could make friends with a cardboard box. He was charming. I'd like to be charming that way. I'd have to get over some insecurities to get there. I can be comfortable with people and I'm even sort of funny sometimes. My hubby, my girlfriends and my sorors bring out the best (and worst) with me. I love to make people around me laugh. It releases so much stress and makes relationships more comfortable. I even do it at work sometimes. When you loosen up a bunch of folks who are caught up in their titles and roles, they are more open to hear what you have to say.

Still all over the place, huh?

My baby will be 21 this year. That thing makes me proud and scared at the same time. He is so daggone cool, and I'm not alone in thinking that. I pray for him so much. Everytime I hear about an accident on the news or some young man getting hurt, my heart stops for a moment. He probably wonders why he gets some really random texts from me at times. I just need to know that he's okay. I was far from a perfect mother, but he's the most perfect thing I've ever done. He'll always be my heart. The perfect combination of my parents, my brothers, and a little bit of me sprinkled in. He's good stuff.

Do folks really enjoy talking on the phone? Why? I'm far more adept at wittiness by electronic means. I have time to think about what I want to say, and can use the backspace or delete if I start to say the wrong thing. I'm a writer, not a talker. I can go deep sometimes when I speak, but that's because I've hit on something I'm passionate about and I'm really just speaking alound a script that was already written in my mind. And sometimes, long after a spoken conversation, I'll sit and wonder what I should have said and even make up wittier responses. Wish I could have a do-over.

I need to get some serious dental work done, but the dentist is one of my greatest phobias. Because I've had some bad ones in the past that had me looking like a crime scene photo when they got done, or ignored my obvious pain. Then I have to hear about it being my own fault and that's how they treat me. Doctors do that a lot, and it has an adverse effect. Don't lecture me on all I've done wrong... I wrote that script myself. Help me do better. "First do no harm".

I think I'm done for today. My brain is tired. I love y'all.

31 Day Reset your Life Challenge - Day 1

Okay, at the encouragement of some of my friends and in interest of continuing to build my brand - I've decided to join an online workshop/challenge.

Day 1 of the challenge

Choose my notebook - I've got a physical notebook and will be entering some days (if not all) on my blog.

Choose my personal mantra - I already have this one. "No matter how you feel, get up, dress up, and show up!"

That was easy! Day 2 entry tomorrow...

Building My Brand - the "This Dude" edition

This dude

The one I met a few years back

He’s the inspiration for this track

A picnic, some dancing

And this dude comes along

He danced his way beside me

Leave it to him to blindside me

Did you know

Before I Let Go

Was our first dance song?

He spoke good words

Funny but from the heart

But before we could start

To build anything

A whole lot would have to be finished

And so we closed out old stuff

Because we had to

And when we went through

We held on

Because our love was enough

This dude

To the world

Laugh out loud crazy but respected much

With me

Soft of voice and tender touch

Writing me Roses are Red poems

He meant what he said poems

And told me that we would be together

I’d stopped believing in forever

Just surviving one day at a time

But his love set off the rhyme

In my soul

And then I knew

I knew

He’s not perfect by a long shot

And I’m not into reverence

But our business

Is our business

So I give our relationship deference

He’s my dude

I love him

And I learn from him

And get inspired by him

Never get tired of him

He challenges me

Good enough is never enough

And he’s like the Gray men

I grew up with

Dedication to family

Even when times are tough

He’s the other side

To my Libra scale

And when I’m off kilter

And feel like I’m falling

He won’t let me fail

That’s my dude yes

And I am grateful

The world can be hateful

But my home is filled with love

And that’s what I think of

When I’m tired

Or scared

Or frustrated

He cared

He loved

He talked

He taught

And I’m the better for it.

Building my Brand - The JRob Factor

JRob is a nickname I've always had for my son. I don't say it out loud much, but I type it all the time.

I had Jonathan when I was 20. I was a shocked and scared new mother, but he was the best thing that ever happened. And I think sometimes even as a baby, he comforted me just as much as I comforted him.

When he was just shy of 7, I got a job opportunity that would require us to move to North Carolina from Georgia. I only knew a few coworkers, but he would be leaving all of the family and friends he'd ever known. He was such a trooper. And he even asked me to buy him a UNC short set he saw, so he could wear it on the day we moved. And he did put it on, that chilly spring Monday in April 1997. Poor thing, his stomach was in knots. But when we arrived in NC, we picked up the keys to our new apartment and started making our new place our home. We went and picked out things for his room and started to build our new life.

And a great life it has been. He's made me proud. He is so much a part of me that replaying his life is replaying my own. From track practices and track meets, working on school projects, becoming a rugby mom (yes, I said rugby... only Jonathan) taking him for his first job interview, watching him march across that stage - all of these are part of our tapestry. And no matter what storms have come, nothing could shake our love for each other. Nothing.

So this dude, almost 21 years my junior, has taught me a few things. And I see a few things in him that I know came from me. And it all just makes me love the part he plays in my brand.

* Be slow to speak and slow to anger. Only say what needs to be said. No other words are necessary.

* It is okay to try something new. And it is just as okay to walk away from it when it no longer brings you joy.

* Have a great work ethic. It not only makes others feel good about who you are, it makes you feel good about yourself.

* At the end of the day, family will be there. No matter how far you've wandered off, the ones who love you will still be there for you.

* Have a swag about yourself. It is part of what makes you, YOU.

Thanks, J, for teaching me so much about life.

Building my Brand - the Valeria Factor

So... the Valeria factor. This one will be a fun one to write.

I am named after my mother. I know this confused a few folks on FB at first because it looked like I was talking to myself! But the original Valeria is very much a real force and she's a pretty special lady. And we have a couple of things in common.

My mom is one of the most dedicated mothers I've ever known. No matter what activities her children were involved in, Mama was there. Football games, dance recitals, band concerts, just everything. And I loved doing that for my son. The track practices and all day track meets, the rugby games... had an absolute blast. I used to look around at some of the other kids and think "I wouldn't know his/her mom if she walked up to me right now" because they were NEVER there. It never occurred to me to skip an event... my mom wouldn't, why would I?

My mom is also Mrs. Fix It. God bless my Dad's soul, but my mom ruled the toolbox in our house. Putting stuff together, hanging shelves, moving furniture. Mom was a dynamo. One of her friends once told her that "Val could fix anything with a glue gun and a can of paint". I definitely picked up on this skill set. I love creating stuff, making it better, seeing a job well done.

My mom was also fearless when she had a vision. She started two small businesses in about 5 years. No grandiose plans, no huge contemplation. She saw something she wanted to do and she did it. And she enjoyed every minute of it. I love that about her. It makes me think... hmmm, I'm good at this, I could make this work. And because I'm good, folks will buy what I'm selling.

So among many other things, I learned:

The importance of being present in the life of my child.
The skills it takes to do what needs to be done without waiting for others to do it.
The gift of dreaming, and putting those dreams into plans and action.
And I learned how to cook a pretty good meal even when she thought I wasn't paying attention :)

Yep, it is good to be a Valeria.

Building my Brand - the Gray Factor

I gave myself a mental sabbatical today so I had a lot of time to think.

In trying to determine my talents, I thought I'd go way back and figure out the basics of who I am. That took me back to thinking about my siblings because we can learn a lot about ourselves from looking at our families.

I have two older brothers, did you all know that? On the surface, we have a few things in common that don't require much digging to see. We are all extremely family oriented, we're all pretty funny in our own way, we are all educated, and we all have some level of success in our chosen careers.

Even at first glance I thought that was about it, but then I decided to dig deeper.

My brothers and I are all artists in our own way. It took me a second to come to that conclusion but this goes to the little known facts about the Gray children. And they probably don't even know I remember some of the things that I do.

My oldest brother is a musician and has a beautiful singing voice. He also did some acting and performing in college. I remember him being a DJ, and I remember hearing an audio tape of him singing "The Closer I Get to You" during a college show.

My next oldest brother is an amazing artist. I still remember his drawings and paintings. Today I remembered him having a charcoal sketch pad and drawing pictures of family members and even our beloved pet during a trip to Texas. He drew my afro puffs and my pug nose just perfectly.

I am the writer. I have a passion for words and thoughts and feelings. And I love creating beautiful things. Although I cannot draw, I can visualize things and recreate them without much direction. I was very grateful for this skill helping my son with school projects and planning my wedding.

None of us made our career in these gifts. But they are still very much part of us.

We do have one thing in common that has fueled our career success. We are all extremely analytical. We can take the complex and break it down in bite sized pieces that can be understood by others. We think twice and speak once and because of that we are respected - because when we do speak, we speak with truth and clarity.

So in just recalling some wonderful family memories, I have pulled out a few of my skills.

I am a writer.
I am analytical, and can interpret the complex to make it simpler to understand.
I am able to create beautiful things once I have a vision.

That's a great start, I think.

Building my Brand - Discovering my Gifts

So, the first portion of my journey will be a discovery phase. Discovery of my gifts and my talents.

Imagine trying to put together a sales circular to advertise something. But you don't know what you have for sale, how much it costs, how much inventory you have... sort of hard to build your brand blindly, huh?

I'm not sure how long this phase will take. But it is my personal journey so it really doesn't matter the distance, it just matters that I stay the path.