I'm at a mental block.
I have a lot of thoughts swirling around in my head, so I figured I'd write. The problem is that the thoughts have no cohesiveness. So this will be random as hell.
I want to create something, but don't know what. I just don't seem to be generating ideas the way I was a month ago. I think a lot of it has to do with the mental demands of my job lately. I like my job and I'm good at what I do. But lately the pressure has been on and it is making me tired. Project work ebbs and flows so this is all part of the process... but this is definitely an ebb time. All my mind wants to do outside of work right now is rest. Just rest. And I need to be okay with that. I'm 41 years old with a family and a job and I'm going to get tired. I gotta be okay with that. Stop looking at what the next woman is doing or can do. I'm not her. I'm me. Work with it.
It would be nice if I could make some commitments on the dietary front. I have so many good intentions, but stress tends to knock me off my game. I've got to do better. Otherwise something far more serious is going to knock me off my game and it will take me a lot longer to recover.
I need a vacation. Not something grand, just a couple of days of nothingness. After this latest project goes into production, I may take 2 days off just to reset. It always does my body and my heart good. Some folks can do that on the weekends. Good for them. I've got a family in the house on the weekends and that is their time. For me weekdays are better. Everyone else is at work or at school. I can take myself to lunch, or to the movies, or just fast and pray and write for the 8 hours of solitude. I believe every person needs to reset now and then. It is good for you. Just as the body needs physical elimination, it needs mental and spiritual elimination as well. As hard as we try, there will be things that worm their way into our lives that need to be cleansed out. Take that time, think of what mountain you need moved and then tell it to move.
Random enough?
I love makeup. I love clothes and shoes and all things fashion. Not love in an unnatural or coveting way. But I like image. My daddy taught me that. He was amazing that way. He carried himself with such a swagger but it was combined with a humble and friendly spirit. He could make friends with a cardboard box. He was charming. I'd like to be charming that way. I'd have to get over some insecurities to get there. I can be comfortable with people and I'm even sort of funny sometimes. My hubby, my girlfriends and my sorors bring out the best (and worst) with me. I love to make people around me laugh. It releases so much stress and makes relationships more comfortable. I even do it at work sometimes. When you loosen up a bunch of folks who are caught up in their titles and roles, they are more open to hear what you have to say.
Still all over the place, huh?
My baby will be 21 this year. That thing makes me proud and scared at the same time. He is so daggone cool, and I'm not alone in thinking that. I pray for him so much. Everytime I hear about an accident on the news or some young man getting hurt, my heart stops for a moment. He probably wonders why he gets some really random texts from me at times. I just need to know that he's okay. I was far from a perfect mother, but he's the most perfect thing I've ever done. He'll always be my heart. The perfect combination of my parents, my brothers, and a little bit of me sprinkled in. He's good stuff.
Do folks really enjoy talking on the phone? Why? I'm far more adept at wittiness by electronic means. I have time to think about what I want to say, and can use the backspace or delete if I start to say the wrong thing. I'm a writer, not a talker. I can go deep sometimes when I speak, but that's because I've hit on something I'm passionate about and I'm really just speaking alound a script that was already written in my mind. And sometimes, long after a spoken conversation, I'll sit and wonder what I should have said and even make up wittier responses. Wish I could have a do-over.
I need to get some serious dental work done, but the dentist is one of my greatest phobias. Because I've had some bad ones in the past that had me looking like a crime scene photo when they got done, or ignored my obvious pain. Then I have to hear about it being my own fault and that's how they treat me. Doctors do that a lot, and it has an adverse effect. Don't lecture me on all I've done wrong... I wrote that script myself. Help me do better. "First do no harm".
I think I'm done for today. My brain is tired. I love y'all.
